In my 37 (nearly 38) years on planet earth, I have learned some lessons that go some way to explaining the meaning of life. Here is one for every year….they are very deep and meaningful.
- Pigs definitely do fly….and they always end up sitting next to me on the plane.
- Always check for toilet paper before your cheeks touch the rim.
- Don’t leave loose change where your husband can find it.
- Never trust a fart.
- Don’t eat a hot curry the night before a long plane trip
- We spend one-seventh of our lives on Mondays, but we don’t need a Facebook reminder that it’s Monday tomorrow…we already know.
- If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Thinking about joining a gym is not the same thing as actually joining one.
- Nothing is really worth fighting about…. not when you have a vicious tongue.
- Stop worrying. Worry does absolutely nothing productive. The more you worry, the more you reinforce the problem or concern in your brain.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why the clocks go forward/back.
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 10.
- People who want to share their religious and political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
- If I’d conceived a child on my first attempt at sex, that child would be 21 this year
- Never play Twister with a full bladder.
- Almost anything can be fixed with a Steps song!
- Some people only believe water is for drinking… the dirty smelly bastards.
- People with money will sometimes try and tell you what to do, but making daisy-chains costs nothing.
- Be very wary of people who use jargon, they are too stupid to use their own words.
- There are two types of people: those who work out and those who work.
- Hangovers will destroy you, and there is NO cure.
- Trust your own taste in music, movies and beer. Even though people will make fun of you for liking Steps… you still know how to ‘stomp’.
- ‘Those Crocs really suit you’….said nobody….. EVER!
- Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try spending the night with a mosquito.
- Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by arseholes.
- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a complete twat.
- Life is tough; it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
- If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really badly so you never have to do it again.
- There will be no interesting people in heaven.
- Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- Taking a selfie with your starbucks cup is not cool.
- Never open an email from a Nigerian Prince that wants to give you all his money.
- If you post a picture of your beach holiday every 5 minutes, it means you’re not having fun.
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