37 lessons in 37 years

37 lessons in 37 years

In my 37 (nearly 38) years on planet earth, I have learned some lessons that go some way to explaining the meaning of life.  Here is one for every year….they are very deep and meaningful.

  1. Pigs definitely do fly….and they always end up sitting next to me on the plane.
  2. Always check for toilet paper before your cheeks touch the rim.
  3. Don’t leave loose change where your husband can find it.
  4. Never trust a fart.
  5.  Don’t eat a hot curry the night before a long plane trip
  6. We spend one-seventh of our lives on Mondays, but we don’t need a Facebook reminder that it’s Monday tomorrow…we already know.
  7. If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener.
  8. Thinking about joining a gym is not the same thing as actually joining one.
  9.  Nothing is really worth fighting about…. not when you have a vicious tongue.
  10.  Stop worrying.  Worry does absolutely nothing productive.  The more you worry, the more you reinforce the problem or concern in your brain.
  11.  You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why the clocks go forward/back.
  12.  The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 10.
  14.  People who want to share their religious and political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  15. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
  16.  If I’d conceived a child on my first attempt at sex, that child would be 21 this year
  17. Never play Twister with a full bladder.
  18. Almost anything can be fixed with a Steps song!
  19.  Some people only believe water is for drinking… the dirty smelly bastards.
  20. People with money will sometimes try and tell you what to do, but making daisy-chains costs nothing.
  21. Be very wary of people who use jargon, they are too stupid to use their own words.
  22. There are two types of people: those who work out and those who work.
  23. Hangovers will destroy you, and there is NO cure.
  24. Trust your own taste in music, movies and beer. Even though people will make fun of you for liking Steps… you still know how to ‘stomp’.
  25. ‘Those Crocs really suit you’….said nobody….. EVER!
  26. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  27. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try spending the night  with a mosquito.
  28. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by arseholes.
  29. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a complete twat.
  30. Life is tough; it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
  31.  If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really badly so you never have to do it again.
  32. There will be no interesting people in heaven.
  33. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  34.  Never lick a steak knife.
  35.  Taking a selfie with your starbucks cup is not cool.
  36.  Never open an email from a Nigerian Prince that wants to give you all his money.
  37. If you post a picture of your beach holiday every 5 minutes, it means you’re not having fun.


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63 thoughts on “37 lessons in 37 years

  1. Ritu March 19, 2017 / 9:19 am

    And you only keep Learning new lessons. The list grows and grows… !


  2. masgautsen March 19, 2017 / 9:29 am

    Haha these are important lessons. I started laughing at number 1 and really enjoyed all of them.


  3. noellekelly March 19, 2017 / 9:33 am

    I laughed out loud at number 4 🙂


  4. Phaytea's Pulse March 19, 2017 / 9:34 am

    Haha….love the humor and sarcasm…..I no 1 I went oouuch!!!!


  5. thebeasley March 19, 2017 / 10:08 am

    Haha I 100% agree with no.15. F*ck meetings x


  6. Soul Gifts March 19, 2017 / 10:14 am

    the things we leaern in hindsight! AN yeah – #15 – should be outlawed!


      • Soul Gifts March 19, 2017 / 10:42 am

        Just think how efficiency would go through the roof and work.would.get. done. if meetings were banned. Not to mention the cost benefits.


  7. shelleywilson72 March 19, 2017 / 10:16 am

    Haha, loved them all. Thanks for the giggle and the reminder that life is pretty deep and meaningful. x


  8. Lutheranliar March 19, 2017 / 11:56 am

    So hard to choise a fave fresh m this list (!) But I think it has to be: There will be no interesting people in heaven. Amen


    • Lutheranliar March 19, 2017 / 11:57 am

      Sorry for the typos! Meant ‘choose a fave from’. But you knew that. Oh, and the pigs on the plane? Excellent!


  9. Traci York March 19, 2017 / 12:30 pm

    I swear sometimes my kids were born to live #31 to its fullest! LOL! Great list, and happy almost birthday!


  10. u2hearts March 19, 2017 / 12:39 pm

    Loved this


  11. Gabe Burkhardt March 19, 2017 / 2:05 pm

    Never play Twister on a full bladder deserves a MUCH higher level of prominence here, right? This feels like one of those Life Lessons that everybody should know.


    • The Gay Stepdad March 19, 2017 / 5:07 pm

      Thank you, glad you enjoyed reading them as much as I laughed writing them.


  12. emfletche March 19, 2017 / 6:54 pm

    Haha, love every one of these! Off to find my old Steps CDs now to brighten up my Sunday evening…


  13. Steve March 19, 2017 / 7:00 pm

    I’ve got one for 39. Dancing to the new Steps song in your Crocs is ALWAYS ALLOWED!


  14. Donna O March 19, 2017 / 8:30 pm

    Good points well made! It made me think what I’d include on my list of 32 things….😊🤔


  15. Peg Stueber-Temp and Tea March 20, 2017 / 1:52 pm

    Strangely, I live #10. Once I stopped spinning doomsday scenarios in my head, I was able to finally relax.

    And your last one – I find this kinda sad. Not that it’s not true, but because it IS. We’re moving into a time when bragging should be considered the official national sport.


  16. SickChristine March 20, 2017 / 3:26 pm

    Love!! #25 is THE best.


  17. Hannah March 20, 2017 / 10:17 pm

    Haha laughed all the way through these!! Really funny and relatable


  18. electricrose March 20, 2017 / 10:24 pm

    Hahaha! These are hilarious! I’ve learned quite a few of them the hard way.. Not saying which ones.. 😀 Cheers!


  19. Denise March 21, 2017 / 12:18 am

    I have to keep working on number 10!!! Thanks for sharing this list.


  20. Lauren March 21, 2017 / 3:14 am

    Haha. I loved this. Especially 31 and 33 🙈


  21. Vinay March 21, 2017 / 4:28 am

    #25… yes… I love my crocs which keep my heel pain free
    #29… acceptance is something we struggle with all our lives


  22. jiselle jones March 21, 2017 / 5:02 am

    i still make a big deal about my birthday, with myself lol and I was 37 in January! oh my goodness no. 11 has always confused me ! ok so now its 9 oclock but we will just pretend it’s really 8 o cock for a bit until we decide its 9 o’clock again!


  23. Hugh's Views and News March 21, 2017 / 5:03 pm

    Can I add one more? Never ever insert a screwdriver in your bellybutton, unless you really do want your bum to fall off!

    Great list, Matt.


  24. Rachel March 21, 2017 / 9:23 pm

    Hahahaha #4 for the win!!!

    Great list. Totally everything I think on a daily basis.


  25. Alana Mautone (@RamblinGarden) March 21, 2017 / 10:43 pm

    Laughing, but so many are true – especially #37. Must be a reason why I never post (well, almost never) vacation photos on Facebook. My blog now, that’s different.


  26. The Hellion March 22, 2017 / 12:19 am

    #25..I HATE CROCS…Hate them…did I say I hate them???


  27. Becca Barracuda March 22, 2017 / 9:49 pm

    Excellent advice! Especially number 33.. although I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing the story of how you learned that lesson!! Ha!


  28. Lucy Mitchell March 25, 2017 / 10:57 am

    When are you going to guest post on my blog? I LOVE your style! Please….*begging face* Am Lucy BTW


    • The Gay Stepdad March 25, 2017 / 11:51 am

      I would happily… just say the word and I’ll conjure something up!


      • Lucy Mitchell March 25, 2017 / 12:03 pm

        You have made my day! Next weekend? I get good traffic Sunday or Monday? All I ask is a list post and a little bit of humour. Email me blondeusk@outlook.com – thx so much 🤗


  29. fattymccupcakes April 3, 2017 / 11:46 pm

    The pigs really do fly one!!!!! BUAHAHAHAHA! Also, #15 is on point. I hate meetings. 100% of the time they can be emails. All of these are amazingly accurate!


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