This is how you run things President Trump….A lesson from Bet Lynch

 

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Donald,

Alright cock, I heard you just got top job over’t water and having been’t most successful landlady of  t’Rovers, I thought I’d teach you the ropes as nobody knows nowt better than me for pulling in’t punters. Get it? Got it?….Good!

As a former ‘Miss Weatherfield’, factory worker  and barmaid, I , like you, wanted bigger and better things, and landed the Manageress’ job of t’Rovers Return in 1985. (After Annie Walker retired, I was voted in by the local residents – it was a clear victory).

I was hugely admired by everyone on’t Street, so I thought I would give you a few pearls of wisdom that will help you out, chuck, cause I saw more in my lifetime before I was 20 than you’ll probably see in your entire life- and I didn’t even leave my own back yard.

  1. Teamwork – It’s always good to have people that look out for ya chuck, and it works both ways…..don’t go building any walls between you and ‘t neighbours…you never know when you’ll need a kidney. I’ll never forget when ‘t  Rovers burnt down…..if it weren’t for Sally and Kevin Webster….I’d be a gonna!  Look after ‘t neighbours
  2. Boost people’s self esteem – You ‘ave to take an interest in the people beneath ya and stick up for them in times of need, I could tell you a thing or two about when I helped ‘our Liz MacDonald’ escape from her Jim…and even though Betty’s hotpot tasted like bowl of bin-juice..I still complimented her on her efforts. It’s not all about you Mr. Trump.
  3. Empathy – A good leader stands in the shoes of their people and sees things from their perspective, so it’s no good forking out on Ralph Lauren ‘get  up’, when there’s nowt wrong with leopard print…tell Melania I’ve had some lovely bargains in C&A!
  4. Integrity -Leave the pussy alone love, if you want people to like ya, you’ll have to lead by example and stop fraternising with women.  I learned a very good lesson myself when I was mucking about with Len Fairclough….Rita and I have never really spoken since.
  5. Gravitas – How can people take you seriously when you’ve got ‘mop on ya head ….I’ve always gone for a “Croydon Face lift’ when it comes to hair styling…always tidy and kept of t’face….and twitter?- for pity’s sake love…your the President not Katie Hopkins…gerroff it!! Spend less time being a racist bigot and more time in’t salon. Our Audrey would work wonders on ya love.

I hope you take my advice, I know how tough it is starting out…but mark my words chuck, if you do as I say…one day you may be just as successful as me.

Yours Truly

Bet Lynch

 

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Wetpaint- Beautiful And Unique Illustrations Your Home Cannot Be Without.

Shortly after I returned from my honeymoon in 2015, a parcel arrived on my doorstep.  I opened it to find a beautifully crafted illustration from my good friend Helen. It now takes pride of place in the drawing room (the lounge). I have known Helen for quite a number of years and have spent many a holiday lapping up the mediterranean sun and sipping cocktails in her company, so this was a truly amazing gift that holds massive sentimental value to me ..and my husband.

So I thought I would spend a moment or two telling you more about Helen and her company ‘Wetpaint‘ so that you can join  the likes of Adele, Lauren Laverne …..and me, and have a personalised masterpiece in your home.

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Wetpaint is the work of illustrator and designer Helen Lang, who lives and works from a rather lovely London studio and spends her time developing her range of personalised prints which she sells through online retailer Not on the High Street. She also works on commercial and advertising projects through her agency Illustration Ltd.

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After working in the publishing industry for over 15 years, Helen’s own business “Wetpaint” was finally founded in 2011 and since going freelance her delicately crisp style has been utilised by a number of high profile clients in the UK, Europe and beyond including Boden, Tesco Finest*, Harper Collins, Chipotle, John Lewis, Virgin Trains and the Tate. She has also worked exclusively with John Lewis on a range of product accessories and her illustrations have adorned an array of products over her career including t-shirts, mugs, greeting cards and stationery.

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Helens work has been featured on numerous interior, lifestyle, wedding and children’s product blogs as well as publications including the Stylist Magazine, Creative Review & The Independent, Good Homes, Devon Life, Unique Bride & Wedding Ideas Magazine.

In the studio she is fuelled by builders tea, bourbon biscuits, BBC6 music and is very lucky to be able to design and illustrate for a living in between walks with Desmond, her Border Terrier. When she’s not in the studio, you’ll probably find Helen digging in the garden, coveting a real ale, rummaging around a flea market, or trying to find a warmish bit of sea to swim in.

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Helen now accepts commissions for beautifully detailed, personalised gift prints, which are all hand finished with delicate typographic details. These make perfect gifts for Weddings, Engagements, Civil Partnerships, Anniversaries, Christenings, Housewarming Gifts as they are all affordably priced (under £20) and very easily framed. She also creates prints for pets and original personalised paintings should you have a slightly bigger budget.

Want to know more? You’re in luck. She’d love to hear from you via her shop or catch up with her on Facebook to discuss an order.

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Real Life – By Karen Dunn

Lazy Cow Hot-Pot (Beef Stew and Dumplings in the slow cooker)

Here’s another recipe for those of you that are time poor…and far too fabulous to be slaving over a hot stove.

Beef Stew and Dumplings is an old war-time favourite dish (not safe for lesbians vegans). A very simple recipe that you can prepare in the morning and come home to a hearty meal waiting for you on a cold winter’s day.

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Ingredients

  • 2 tbsp vegetable oil
  • 1 onion, roughly chopped
  • 3 medium carrots, cut into 2.5cm (1in) pieces
  • 3 tbsp tomato purée
  • 1 kg  diced steak, cut into 4cm (1½in) chunks (If you don’t want half a cow on your plate reduce to 800g)
  • Plain flour, to dust
  • 200 ml  red wine (Excuse to buy a 750ml bottle and drink the rest on your lunch break)
  • 600 ml (1 pint) beef stock
  • 3 fresh rosemary sprigs. ……Thats the herb…not the anorak model…fullsizerender-2-copy-10
  • 125 g (4oz) self-raising flour
  • 60 g (2½oz) suet
  • 1 tbsp dried parsley

Method

  1. Put the oil, vegetables and tomato purée into the bowl of your slow cooker. Dry the beef pieces with kitchen paper and dust with the plain flour (tapping off excess). Add to the slow cooker together with the wine, stock, rosemary and some seasoning.
  2. Cover and cook on high for 5hr or until the beef is tender.
  3. After 5hrs of cooking, make the dumplings. Sift the flour into a large bowl and stir in the suet, parsley and lots of seasoning. Add 100ml  cold water and stir to make a soft (and slightly sticky) dough.
  4. Remove the lid and discard the rosemary sprigs. Pinch off bollock-sized pieces of dough, gently roll into a ball and place on top of the stew, spacing apart. Recover and cook for 1hr more. Check the seasoning and serve with mashed potatoes.fullsizerender-copy-4

 

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So I Have Arthritis…And There’s Me Thinking It Was Mincer’s Hip

so-i-ahev-arthritis-and-theres-me-thinking-it-was-mincers-hipIm not one for pain ordinarily, so when I started getting some in my left leg, I just put it down to the fact that I had been allocated a company car that wasn’t automatic…you know…first world problems.

At Christmas this pain just grew and grew and I became stiffer and stiffer (my joints that is), culminating in a point where I had to drag myself to chav central (the Doctor’s surgery) the day after Boxing day to get some stronger pain-killers.

By now the pain and swelling had hit every joint in my body, my fingers were like cumberland sausages, I was walking like Quasimodo and the moans and groans I was subjecting everyone to, were as annoying as two fat slags at a pie bake-off.

Nevertheless, I thought, maybe I’m a bit run down. I spend a lot of time at work and It would be my luck to fall ill during the Christmas holidays (much like when there is a Snow day on your scheduled day off!). I had some blood tests and was sent on my merry (not merry) way with some anti-inflammatories and painkillers.

A week later when I got the blood test results and feeling no better (in fact a lot worse) I returned to the very lovely lady Doctor who referred me to see a Rheumatologist.

Knowing how the NHS runs in the UK, I decided to make use of my Private Healthcare and instead of waiting 2 months to see a specialist, I was seen the very next day in a lovely little hospital with no screaming kids and a ‘coffee menu’…if you don’t mind.

I was prodded and poked and sent for another round of blood tests, (I’ve now had more pricks than Kerplunk), and it turns out that I have arthritis, that is more than likely Rheumatoid.

Evidently Rheumatoid arthritis is an auto-immune disease where your white cells start attacking the fluid in your joints, mistaking them for foreign objects- a life-long disease that affects everyone differently. I always associated arthritis with old people…but seemingly it’s a genetic disease that can happen at anytime (including birth).

Due to the Doctor being unable to diagnose Rheumatoid Arthritis until I have had symptoms for 8 weeks (protocol), I need to return in a couple of weeks to discover the inevitable. In fact, I have already been referred to receive ‘Disease Modifying Therapy’, and he has indicated pretty strongly that this is what he believes it is.

So I am left at a point in my life where I am faced with a little uncertainty. This is not a feeling I am used to, there are lots of questions in my mind. What next? Will the pain go away? Will I be entitled to a divvy parking badge?

With the 8 weeks of steroids I have been prescribed, I have been told to try swimming and …yoga….(FML).

So I’m writing this post in contrast to my usual style and content.  I would like to pay thanks to my husband and family, who have been really looking after me over the last few weeks. I am never ill, and albeit in chronic pain, the upside is..I have been able to lap up a bit of sympathy. I have been  delivered muffins, I’ve been cooked for….been given a nutri-bullet (thanks mum and dad) and everyone has just been genuinely lovely to me whilst I relax and dose myself up.

Thats All.

The Status Updates You’ll Find On Gay Men’s Facebook Pages in 2017

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Ok so I know I am being a bit stereotypical here, and don’t speak on behalf of all fellow ‘Friends of Dorothy’, but here is a round up of all the statuses you are likely to see this year from your Gay BFF.

January

“Happy Birthday Dame Shirley…..80 years and still a legend…love you babes”

February

“Long Lost Family…Get the tissues ready…..Love Davina”

March

“Has nobody killed Donald Trump yet? The world needs a new Jackie’O’…..Melania would rock it as a widow”

April

“Ooh weather man says it’s gonna be 15 degrees tomorrow….roof down!”

May  13th 7.30pm

             ” Eurovision partyyyyyyyy…..Gotta good feeling about this year”

May 13th  11pm

” Cant believe the politics and bloc voting, how can FYR Macedonia win and we came last #Eurovision #politics #WhoWasThatHotGuyFromEstonia

June

“Im sorry…. but how can they cancel Eastenders because of the football….not everyone likes football”

July

“I need to find an outfit for Pride…should I go for hot pants and a pink boa, or the sailor outfit?”

August

“Lighting the candles on my Princess Diana shrine…cant believe it’s been 20 years” #peoplesprincess

September

“No more Gay pride events…..ooh wait Merthyr Tydfil and Stornaway !……iron that white vest top”.

October

“Woop Woop, Kylie’s Christmas tickets go on sale tomorrow….up at 5am!!”

November

“OMG they are re-running Bad Girls on ITV2…. Yvonne Atkins is a legend”

December

“Mariah!  you know I love you princess, but seriously If I hear you sing that Christmas song one more time I’m gonna launch one of my Uggs at the radio”.

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A Good Suffolk Sausage Every Second Sunday…

….Try saying that when you’ve had a drink

Why not try a good old fashioned ‘Toad in the hole’ this Sunday? Its so easy….you could even get the kids to make it while you put your feet up and contemplate your navel.

Here is a ‘Toad in the hole’ my step-daughter rustled up earlier.

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Ingredients

  • 225g Plain Flour
  • 2 tbsp Dijon Mustard
  • 4 Eggs
  • 300ml Milk
  • 12 sausages (ordinarily you would use 8 but we are greedy…so the philosophy is…as many as you can fit in the dish)
  • 2 tbsp Sunflower oil.
  • Salt and Pepper
  • A large gin and tonic

Method

  1. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees/Gas mark 6
  2. Pour the oil into the bottom of the dish and make sure the bottom is well lubricated….ooh I sayfullsizerender-copy-3
  3. Bake in the pre-heated oven for 15 minutes
  4. While the bangers are baking, whisk together the flour, eggs and half the milk until smooth, then start to mix in the rest of the milk, add the dijon mustard and season with a good pinch of salt and black pepper

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5. Remove the sausages from the oven and ladle the batter over them (make sure they are not completely covered, otherwise you’ll have a soggy ‘hole.)

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6.Bake for 35 Minutes until the centre has raised and gone brown

7. Serve with vegetables, mash potato and onion gravy (don’t be pratting about with making your own gravy….nothing wrong with bisto gravy granules.)

8. Now stuff your face….and leave the washing up for ‘mañana’ Then get on the gin.

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For Proper recipes please see fellow blogger: Call me Trav

Your blog or your wife: A lesson from Bob and Shirley

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Bob and Shirley had been married for 16 years and to all their friends they were a happily married couple…with 2.4 children a beautiful home and ‘artex ‘ ceilings to die for.

Bob ran his own building firm and Shirley was a domestic goddess.. they holidayed twice a year and enjoyed fine wine and gourmet dining…what could be better?

However Shirley was missing something in her life, she hadn’t been intimate with Bob in months, as Bob had just started writing a blog which took up all of his free time. When Shirley retired for the night, Bob was still busy pinning his favourite posts, liking stumbles, re-tweeting and sharing.

Bob was addicted to blogging….he’d finally found his niche and had read around 426 articles on “How to make money from your blog”. His intentions were in the right place…he just wanted to get enough followers to be able to earn some money and buy Shirley the conservatory that she had always dreamed of.

One evening when the children were at Tae-Kwon-do, Shirley slipped into her finest Ann Summer’s negligee  and danced seductively behind the laptop, where Bob was busily editing a post on “How to replace a drywall’.  So consumed by getting the post finished, so that he could share on social media before the  8 pm deadline when the traffic on Twitter was notoriously more difficult to get any re-tweets, he didn’t notice her advances.

Shirley decided to confront Bob and asked him directly…..”why won’t you sleep with me?”

Bob was too tired, he had worked all day and he just had to get his post finished. This went on, night after night, week after week until a massive row ensued.

When Shirley threatened to leave Bob, he finally agreed that Shirley’s idea to go and see a marriage counsellor was a good idea, aside from the fact that he could then write a post about his experience and engage with other bloggers in the same predicament.

The marriage counsellor advised Bob to take some time out and socialise with his friends, away from the computer to alter his mind-set about  “Bobthebuilder.com” and refocus on becoming intimate with Shirley. Bob agreed to this, and as a compromise, Bob went for a night out at the “Bloggers Unite” convention. Still a tenuous link to his addiction, however, it took him away from the computer and ..well…small steps.

Bob really let his hair down with the computer geeks and Dad bloggers and one Jåger bomb led to another.

That night Bob came crashing through the door, steaming drunk and called out to Shirley..

“You …upstairs now!”

Shirley’s heart started to race and she practically fell up the stairs ripping her clothes off as she ran. Bob was right behind her and they made haste to the bedroom. By this time Shirley was naked and ready to partake in Bob’s newly- found assertion.

Without making it to the bed, Bob demanded that Shirley do a hand-stand at the end of the bed.

Wow!, thought Shirley, this marriage  counsellor deserves an OBE for services to sexual activity…not only has Bob been cured of his reluctance to become intimate….but now he wants to be kinky…..my prayers have been answered.

Shirley hadn’t done any form of acrobatics since the honeymoon 16 years beforehand so performed her hand-stand aided by her husband. As Bob approached her, he pulled Shirley’s legs apart with one hand, while he held his mobile phone in the other. With legs akimbo, Bob buried his face deep between Shirley’s thighs as her hands took the weight.

Shirley began to cry….not through sadness but from relief. For so long she had wandered whether their sex -life was finished forever.

“What’s the matter?” mumbled Bob, his face still buried in Shirley’s loins

“I’m so happy’ exclaimed Shirley, “I can’t believe that we are finally going to have sex!”

Bob pulled away suddenly, “Sex??” he asked, “Oh no, sorry we’re not having sex” he affirmed. “I met a blogger tonight from Queereyeforthestraightguy.com and he said I would look better with a Goatee, I was just trying to take a selfie so that I could be sure and pingback.”

Moral to this story: Have fun with your blog, but don’t let it take over your life ……he says

10 Things they don’t tell you when you start a Forever Living Business

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You may have heard the success stories about people earning a 6  figure salary by setting up a Forever Living Business and working part time hours either alongside their full time jobs or as a main source of income. I was certainly inspired by the countless plethora of Youtube videos that indicated quite aggressively, the promise of financial freedom, 5 Star holidays, a car…blah blah blah.

It’s true that there are some people out there that have succeeded with Forever Living, but believe me, this is a very small minority.

I joined  Forever Living in August last year when my husband was looking for a job, I knew from the very start that it wasn’t going to be a ‘get rich quickly scheme’, but I thought long term, this could have amazing benefits for us. I  have a fairly good head for business and oodles of experience in retail, so I really got to work with setting up my business, getting my name out there and talking to people about the products and the opportunity.

Against the advice of the people around me, who warned that it was a Pyramid scheme and that I was a fool for spending £200 on my starter kit, I boasted that I would be able to prove everyone wrong. However as the months progressed and I failed to even so much as make my money back for the £200 on the box (not to mention all the other hidden costs that they don’t tell you about…which I will explain later). It was apparent that Forever Living is now a saturated marketplace and around 90% of people that have joined, barely break even let alone make any profit from this.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t do some more research before I spent my money….and more regrettably a large amount of my time,  spamming my friends on social media.

Here are the 10 things they don’t tell you;

1 . It pretty much is a Pyramid scheme, the only thing that makes it legal is that you are in possession of a starter kit, so you aren’t just giving your own money away with nothing in return. The first thing that your sponsor will tell you is that not a pyramid scheme, (as this is on the training script that is rammed down your throat when you start.)

2. Your starter kit is not enough to form a product display or run a stall, if you really want to showcase your products to make a sale, then you will have to buy more……a lot more.

3. As well as your £200 box, you are also faced with another number of other expenses that are critical to running your business- examples are as follows

  •  Business Cards- Around £50
  •  Monthly subscription to have a website and online training portal (£10 a month), which is virtually impossible to cancel without signing in blood.
  •  Additional products including the Clean9 detox kit   (heaven forbid you call                             it a detox kit  on social media as the company can get into a lot of trouble, because evidently it’s not proven to be a detox) You will probably spend another £300 on this to get enough stock to hold a product launch or stall
  • Public Liability insurance £20
  • Hiring Stalls at local fairs and events ..£25 a time
  • Facebook Boost to increase your traffic..£30 a month
  • Attending the mandatory Success conference £50

4. It’s definitely not a job you can succeed in part time. I spent about 4 hours every evening, and after 3 months….we had sold one ‘detox plan’ (£109)and a bottle of cream (£14)….no that’s really it.

5. In order to reach your target and get any commission whatsoever, you need to sell about £800 of stock in a 2 month period.

6. The products due to their extortionate margins (the big earners have to earn somehow), are virtually impossible to sell.  Who wants to spend £14 on a bottle of deep heat …oh sorry …deep heat with Aloe Vera in it. If you have rich friends, then you maybe, just maybe in with a chance.

7. There are a number of websites and social media groups that you can use to find stalls and events. (You need to run stalls to build up your customer base and recruit your ‘downline’.) However with so many people doing Forever Living, I was never able to bag a stall because people had booked all the stalls for the whole year. ( I literally had notifications on my mobile everytime an event was uploaded and one of my greedy fellow business owners had bagged it within around 7 seconds).

8. You are trained to lie on social media and make your life so much better than it actually is. You’re encouraged to post inspirational quotes  and photos of you enjoying yourself on holiday all the time, even if that means recycling old holiday pics throughout the year. Also you have to remove everything from social media that has any sort of opinion or negativity.  So basically you have to be a social media robot. Additionally you are encouraged to conjure up stories at your product launches, like how your drinking gels have cured a 95 year old arthritis sufferer that was in a wheelchair ,but is now running the marathon……that sort of thing.

9. Your friends get fed up with you and unfriend you….I was warned of this, but literally I lost about 150 contacts with the constant spamming and invites to launches and events.

10. Forever boasts that it is a generous company and award people on their merits, which is certainly true for any Multi- Level Marketing company. However the high -earners are so obsessed with making money and boasting about how much they have earned ,that they forget those at the bottom of the food chain that need a different level of motivation in terms of training and support….. because there’s certainly no cash flow at this end.

My advice would be to avoid Forever Living ,unless you can commit to it full time, without any need to earn any money in the first few months, and make sure you have a lot of gullible and rich friends that will buy the products…. and keep buying them. The company doesn’t hold an awful lot of integrity or transparency which is why you have to exaggerate the truth to other people, and unless you are extremely lucky (or you poison the other 6000 business owners within your 10 mile radius)…you just won’t make any money.

Belated Christmas gift to the disgruntled Neighbour

As many of you know we love our pussy cats and they love us, but one person who doesn’t love them is our next door neighbour…..or the toilet attendant as we now affectionately call her.

We have got to know her quite well over the summer and one of the girls often plays with her granddaughter. However a couple of days ago the turncoat  ‘bravely’ posted a note through our door because, evidently one of our cats has defecated on her side of the fence. I say ‘bravely’ but it was in fact, quite the opposite, as we watched her run down the garden path, post the letter and then run back to her house like a bad player at ‘knock down ginger’.

Ordinarily we would have been mortified that one of our neighbours was upset with us, if it were not for the  condescending tone of the note that she posted addressed to ‘the boys’. Coupled with the fact that it could also have been one of a plethora of cats that roam our neighbourhood, or foxes, she is now demanding we build a higher fence.

So as not to get into an argument, we decided we would offer to clear said mess from her lawn and get on with our lives, however today, with clearly nothing better to do with hers, we have received note number 2.

The note, more condescending and derogatory than the 1st and with clear intention of action, describes that she has counted 29 deposits.  Firstly, who counts cat poo and keeps a tally?, and secondly, if the cat has done an extra 28 poos in the 2 days since the last note then we seriously need to get the cat seen to….maybe Gillian McKeith would be able to identify the real perpetrator responsible for providing free fertiliser to her garden.

So the moral is….be neighbourly  and ask nicely  and thou shalt have  the mess removed from your lawn…until then the offer is withdrawn.

Foxtrot Oscar

Living Next Door to the ‘Junglist Massive’

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Yo ! Yo! …Word up!   Booyaka!

In our suburban dwelling in the ‘lovely part of Hemel Hempstead’ we are a far cry from the hustle and bustle of city life…..or are we?

Since moving to our new home, we have tolerated the weekend antics of our neighbour- the 38 year old -‘coke head’ with a mis-spent youth, and sufficient time spent doing ‘bird’.

Of course we have never had a conversation with him, but due to his uncouth and ‘less than dulcet’ tones that resonate at 100 decibels down the street, we know about his time inside, how he’s been sacked from every job he’s had, how his girlfriend likes it in the bedroom (and believe me we’ve heard her fulfil  those fantasies) and the details of his bank account….pin number etc.

We live next door to a moron of the highest calibrations, who has shared much more of his life with us than our tiny minds can comprehend. A truly annoying oik that speaks at one volume and has no respect for himself , let alone the people he lives alongside.

If that wasn’t enough… we are treated to (on a weekly basis) a ‘full -on’ club night, whereby he sets up his decks, opens his windows, grabs his vuvuzela and continues to DJ to his crowd of ….nobody….(except maybe a few hedgehogs and stray cats that happen to be nearby) until the early hours.

Now David Guetta he is not…in fact he’s more of a fatboy slim (without the slim) and his girlfriend rocks up in her “Fat Bird’s uniform” (leggings and a mid-drift top), and they party until the break of dawn (I think her name is Kelly, not Dawn).

Now please don’t get me wrong, I do love a bit of a boogie when the mood takes me, but please let me watch the Strictly final before you inflict ‘old school Jungle’ on the entire neighbourhood. And do we really need a commentary in between tunes?…you don’t have an audience you idiot….and you are 38…get a life!

Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back….apart from a very small interlude when he played ‘Here comes the Hotstepper’ and ‘Lady, hear me tonight’, which I quite enjoyed, the music went on from 8.30pm until 5 am this morning at full volume and with the bass vibrating through our bedroom walls, I needed to do something.

I googled online, on how to make a complaint to my local council and rest assured, after I have completed my ‘noise diary’ he will be receiving an abatement notice….but as revenge is a dish best served cold I thought I would give him a taste of his own medicine.

So here I am this Sunday morning, windows wide open, stereo on full pelt…..but not giving him a selection of classics from his favoured genre…oh no…we have a medley of Steps, S Club 7, and the best of the musicals from Calamity Jane to Les Miserables.

Enjoy your ‘come-down’ you big twat…..Happy Sunday!