Educating Buddha

Educating Buddha

“You should try yoga”, they said. “It’ll be fun”, they said.

I arrived with much anticipation to become acquainted with the other participants of this ancient Indian practice. My mind recalled images of monks meditating at Varanasi and the Ganges in bright and colourful robes, adorned with flowers around their necks, whilst the distant sound of Tuk Tuk’s can be heard in the nearby city, delivering spices and tea to the shanty towns and street sellers. The smell of said spices, ruminating into the atmosphere, strengthened by the heat of the North Indian climate.

I was brought back to earth when I was met in the local Sport Centre by our spiritual guide….”Swami Linda”.

Was it fun? You could definitely say it was relaxing and fairly achievable on the cardio scale..once you have gotten past the smell of 75 year old camembert and an eyeful of the obligatory ‘Fat Bird’s uniform’, (leggings and a wavy top).

I had dressed myself in the only clothes that I deemed suitable for clambering around on the floor with the ‘blue rinse brigade’ , who would soon begin eying up the fresh meat….and predictably the only man in the class. (Awkward)


As I grabbed a mat, my phone vibrated and the flirting grannies soon focussed their attention to my misdemeanour, tutting away like a bunch of bingo regulars after the announcement of a ‘false call’. Before being lynched, I turned my phone off and awaited the instructions of the lesbian vegan bookshop owner – come yoga instructor for our 1st ‘pose’.

‘Breathe in” ,she said.

“Put your left leg under your right arm….”

“Put your foot on your elbow…”

“Put your little toe in your ear”

Struggling to keep up with Doris and Betty, I was turning blue…I hadn’t been told to breathe out yet and I didn’t want to get it wrong. Also It was a good job I had learned to fart silently because apart from the sound of the whale mating call on the ghetto-blaster and the odd groan from Sylvia, it was deathly quiet, and with some of the positions i was getting into, it was inevitable that any trapped air would need an escape route. In the eerie silence I had to have a good glance round every now and then to make sure there were still 18 people breathing.

As I turned to my left, I was met with Mary’s foot fungus. Clearly she hasn’t seen her feet in a few years, but you could have garnished an entire vat of spaghetti bolognese with the parmesan coming off her trotters.

On my right (I daren’t look), Joyce’s leggings were extremely fitting, and as much as she did her best to camouflage an earlier prolapse with her green oversized tabard, it wasn’t working, and it looked like she was smuggling jammy dodgers.

“Right….get into the plank position!!’, shouted Swami Linda.

Am I supposed to know this?  I think I’ll just copy Doris.

“Assume the Tree position!” – Yep, that is fairly self explanatory.

“Downward Dog!”…ok Im definitely familiar with this one, albeit self taught!

I spent a good 40 minutes getting myself into fairly awkward positions and then a further 20 minutes meditating, well in my case, having a kip. As the class ended , I made a hasty exit while the W.I continued their mother’s meeting in the cafe.

Will I be going again?   HELL YES!




22 thoughts on “Educating Buddha

  1. Peg Stueber-Temp and Tea October 26, 2017 / 9:56 pm

    I’ll have you know…I’m officially swearing off Parmesan cheese for the foreseeable future now.

    Did you manage to get your toe in your ear? Inquiring minds, and all that…


  2. Midlife Smarts October 28, 2017 / 10:34 am

    Oh had a good laugh at this – cheers. I love yoga but it gives many a comic moment. Keep on rocking’ n writing


  3. Ritu October 28, 2017 / 12:04 pm

    Sounds like my first official yoga experience! I giggled my way through it to be honest, after collapsing regularly whilst trying to balance in strange poses! Then at the end they told us all to lie down and relax, breathe it all out, and the man next to us was snoring!
    Since then, I have taken a different stance to it, as my 70+ Pops is now a yoga teacher!!!


  4. You Can Always Start Now October 28, 2017 / 2:13 pm

    I had a man fall asleep and snore in a class also. I do enjoy yoga so glad you took something away and are willing to go again. Maybe position yourself somewhere different in the class – back or front maybe? Looking forward to next lesson.


  5. thebeasley October 28, 2017 / 3:22 pm

    The last time I did Yoga, I fell asleep too! Also, that image of Mary’s foot fungus is going to haunt me for years. Also, also can you teach me how to fart silently please? Asking for a friend.


  6. Bryntin October 28, 2017 / 4:38 pm

    Hilarious and encapsulating the fears that put me off going to a yoga class myself. I can do the very relaxed meditation for hours at home though.


    • The Gay Stepdad October 28, 2017 / 8:02 pm

      At least at home you don’t have the smell of Mary’s trotters


  7. Em Linthorpe October 28, 2017 / 6:32 pm

    Hahahahaha! I can feel that community centre vibe from over here!
    I had no idea that yoga made people so sleepy, I had it in my head that it was balancing upside down for three hours. If there’s a chance for a snooze it sounds much more tempting.


  8. drallisonbrown October 28, 2017 / 7:55 pm

    “And, I’ll be going back”….if only for more blog material 🙂 Love it!!


  9. amindfultravellerblog October 29, 2017 / 10:37 am

    Love it…you should have invested in a pair of leggings Matt!! Keep us posted 🙂


  10. Gloria October 29, 2017 / 6:51 pm

    This reminds me of my first ever yoga class – which I blogged about too! 😂 Enjoyed this!


  11. Judy E Martin November 4, 2017 / 3:48 pm

    I laughed my head off reading this! Poor old Mary and Joyce too! Hilarious. Looking forward to the next installment! 🙂


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